Guilt

“I’m feeling so, so much better today after our talk of yesterday” said Moses to Hatshepsut. “While I was confessing my true feelings for you, I felt suddenly like I was floating outside myself. I’ve had this same experience before during combat with the Nubians and other enemies on Egypt’s frontiers, when I knew I could at any moment in turmoil of battle be cut in half by a scimitar or my skull punctured by a mace. This’ll  give you a sense of what I went through yesterday during my confession. I felt my life had changed irrevocably.”

“Your courage in saying what you said, gave me the courage to say what I said,” said  Hatshepsut. “I too am feeling this morning so much better for our talk, which showed how alike we are. I love you for your intelligence and learning and empathy. I sense that you love me for these qualities in me too. That you love me for who I am as much as for  how I look, shows how different you are from other men. All my life I’ve had to endure men’s lascivious looks. They see me just as a body and not as a fully fledged human with a mind and a spirit and feelings and an intellect and all the other intangible qualities that make me human and a woman. I feel nothing for such men. Since men see me as just a body they would like to ravish, the physical beauty I was blessed with is a total waste.”

“How ironic life is” said Moses, “for me as well as for you. I look around and see that all is irony. It’s like whoever created us was having a joke at our expense.”

“You’re so right” said Hatshepsut. “You know, what’s most ironic in my life is that, aside from you, the only man in my life who sees me as more than just a desirable body is my father the Pharaoh. While he does look at me with desire, and has had the honesty to admit it, he sees I have the qualities to be a future Pharaoh. Hence he had me educated as rigorously as if I’d been his son and heir. He saw from early on that in intelligence and ambition I was the equal to any male. I love him so much for this that if he’d really wanted to have his way with me bodily, I would have consented. Don’t look so shocked, Moses.”

“I admit I am shocked. It’s the Hebrew in me. Although we Hebrews are permitted to take to wife our cousins and our sisters and their like, there’s a growing consensus among us that this is biologically harmful for the future of us Hebrews as a people, and that this practice should stop.”

“I hope you’re not passing judgement on me.”

“No, not at all Hatshepsut. Don’t take everything so personally. We are all of us haunted by our individual pasts and by the cultures we sprang from. Hence as a Hebrew I experienced guilt at having fantasies about you because you are, technically at least, my stepmother. But at another level, my rational intellectual level, I see there’s nothing to feel guilty about because you’re not my biological mother and therefore we’re not blood-related.”

“I do understand, Moses. Your guilt also comes out of your innate sensitivity, which is what I love about you. So go ahead and feel guilty. Don’t fight it, because the more you fight it the more you’ll feel guilty. I’m therefore giving you permission to feel guilty. Eventually your guilt will go away.”

“You know, Hatshepsut, I would have said the same to you had you told me you were feeling guilty about having erotic thoughts about me. We’re so alike in the way we think and feel it’s unearthly. It’s like we’re soul mates. We have two hearts but they beat as one.”

“Darling Moses, come to me and let me kiss you………”

Sources:
– Exodus 2
Women in Scripture
Bible Archeology
– The Perplexing Historical Moses

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